We know from recent studies that lung cancer survivors experience significant distress when they have family members who continue to smoke. As you go through treatment, it may be hard to imagine someone continuing a habit that could cause the discomfort and anxiety that you are dealing with. Seeing family smoking may be hurtful or even enraging.
People with lung cancer tend to respond in one of two ways when faced with a family member who smokes. "Preservers" are more interested in keeping peace, and even though they are distressed by their loved one smoking, try not to say anything in order to preserve the relationship. "Riskers," on the other hand, are likely to nag, reminding their loved one often that smoking is not healthy, risking the relationship in the process.
Sadly, neither response appears to be very effective in helping smokers quit, and both can lead to conflict. Family members that smoke may be more open to quitting when confronted with a relative's diagnosis of lung cancer, but it is important that they receive support from other family members and health care professionals.
Tips
If you are living with lung cancer and have a relative that smokes, a few tips may help as you live with your anxiety about their health:- Express your concern – If you are distressed seeing a family member smoke, express that concern -- lovingly. When we hold back on expressing our feelings in words, those feelings can still emerge in our body language, tone of voice, or even our responses to unrelated concerns. Be honest and gently express your thoughts at a time when both of you are calm and rested. Then accept that your feelings might not change your loved ones behavior.
- Don’t nag – If you have expressed your concern to your loved one clearly, repeating that concern over and over will not make them hear you better -- in fact, they may tune you out entirely. There is enough information out there about the dangers of smoking that it is unlikely they haven’t heard. If you truly don’t feel your family member has heard you, try writing a letter to them. One letter. Avoid blaming and stick to “I” words rather than “you” words. For example you might say, “It really hurts me inside when I see you smoke” or “I worry about you and care about your health,” rather than “You are hurting yourself,” or “You have to quit.”
- Don’t let your family member smoke in your presence – Secondhand smoke is not healthy anytime, especially if you are going through treatment for lung cancer.
- Delegate your concerns to someone else – Pass your concerns on to other family members and/or healthcare professionals who can follow through and support your loved one that smokes. Your focus now needs to be on yourself and getting the best results possible from your cancer treatment.
Sources:
Bottorff, J. et al. Continued family smoking after lung cancer diagnosis: the patient’s perspective. Oncology Nursing Forum. 2009. 36(3):E126-32.
McBride, C. et al. Distress and motivation for smoking cessation among lung cancer patients’ relatives who smoke. Journal of Cancer Education. 2003. 18(3):150-6.
Schilling, A. Recruiting cancer patients to participate in motivating their relatives to quit smoking. A Cancer control study of the Cancer and Leukemia Group B (CALGB 9072). Cancer. 1997. 79(1):152-60.
