Coping with anticipatory grief is different than coping with the grief after someone dies (conventional grief.) There can be mixed feelings as you find yourself in that delicate place of maintaining hope while at the same time beginning to let go. Not only are these emotions deeply painful, but people are often less likely to receive support for their grief at this time, and sometimes grieving before death may even be misconstrued as giving up, to someone who hasn’t “been there.”
What is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief is the deep sadness that is often felt during the last days of life. It can be experienced both by the loved ones of someone who is nearing death as well as the person who is dying. While grief before death does open opportunities to say goodbye that sudden death does not, grieving beforehand doesn’t replace – or even shorten – the period of grieving following death. The following link explains this kind of grief in more detail.
This article is written for those who have a loved one who is nearing death and are experiencing grief, but those who are dying also frequently experience this grief. It’s my hope that the suggestions for coping below will help both those who are dying and their loved ones.
Tips for CopingThe obituaries that speak of “courageous battles” may be beautiful, but they also make it difficult for those caring for a dying loved one or the person dying to fully express the grief they experience prior to death. Not everyone experiences this grief, though one study found that 40% of widows found the grief before death to be more stressful than grief after death. If you are experiencing grief, it does not mean that you are abandoning your loved one or giving up. Instead, working through your grief may give you an opportunity to gain meaning and closure you would otherwise not have.
1. Allow Yourself to Feel and GrieveAllowing yourself to feel the pain in your heart helps you to be honest with yourself. Anticipatory grief is not just mourning the impending death of a loved one, but all of the other losses that accompany death. The loss of a companion. The loss of shared memories. The loss of dreams for the future. This is also a time when grief from the past may resurface to be "re-grieved." Denying the pain you feel can prolong grief later on.
Grief serves a purpose, whether it occurs before death or after death. Just as researchers have defined phases of grief, they have also identified 4 tasks of grief. These tasks begin with accepting imminent loss, working through the pain, and eventually letting go in a way that allows you to relocate your emotional connection to your loved one in a different place. This doesn’t mean giving up on your loved one or forgetting them. Rather, completing the tasks of grief allow you to hang on to the joy and love you once shared, without the intense sadness that makes remembering so painful.
Many people find it difficult to express their grief before death because they see it as being unsupportive of their dying loved one. Finding a trusted friend can be a wonderful first step in coping with this grief.
2. Don’t Go it Alone – Express Your PainIt’s important not only to let yourself feel your pain, but to share your feelings with a close friend or family member. Nobody should have to face anticipatory grief alone. To keep your feelings to yourself can result in a feeling of deep loneliness and isolation.
If possible, find a friend who is slow to judge and will be comfortable as you express anger. Studies suggest that anticipatory grief is similar to the grief after someone dies, but there is often more anger and loss of control over emotions.
Try to find a friend who is able to listen, and doesn't try to "fix things." I remember once, not in an anticipatory grief situation, but during my own battle with cancer. A friend was advising me on things I could do (which only made me angry as inside I was saying "you’ve never walked this walk – you’ve never had cancer!") I could have reacted in anger, or worse, shut down. Instead I told her that I didn’t want her to try to fix things. I only needed her to listen. I knew the particular emotions I was experiencing didn’t have an easy fix. I just wanted someone to listen so that I didn’t have to walk that road so quite alone.
If you can’t find a supportive friend, or even if you can, online support groups, such as those offered by CancerCare are available that provide support for caregivers of people living with terminal illnesses.
3. Spend Time togetherI often hear people talk about how difficult it is to spend time with their loved one who is dying. They don’t want to remember their loved one the way they are now, but instead, how they were before they were dying. But spending time is important not only for the person dying, but for close loved ones as well.
Think of meaningful ways to spend time together. As my grandmother was dying we pulled out boxes and albums of old photos that we went through – laughing and crying. I pulled out her jewelry and asked her to tell me the stories behind each piece. We made video recordings as she shared what it was like living before TV with my young sons. To pamper her I found an inexpensive paraffin bath, and would soak and massage her hands and feet, then lull her to sleep reading some of her favorite old novels to her.
Everyone is different when it comes to what may be meaningful and it’s not the activities that you choose that are important. It’s spending time, even if that time is in silence.
4. Remember the ChildrenChildren also experience anticipatory grief, and while it’s just as important for children to work through grief, they are given less opportunity to express themselves, even in most hospice settings. Studies have shown that children who are not given the opportunity to grieve are more likely to struggle with anxiety and depression later on in life. Some of the tips below, such as art therapy, may be particularly helpful for children.
Children need to be included, and need a safe place to express themselves emotionally. If it is a parent who is dying, choosing someone other than a parent may be helpful, as children may try to be strong for their parent who is dying. In one study it was noted that parents with advanced cancer were not aware of how deeply distressed their children were. On a more positive note, however, the same study found that children with a parent with advanced cancer valued family members and the important things in life much more than those children who did not have a parent with cancer.
Open communication surrounding death has been shown to help decrease anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems in children who have a parent who is seriously ill. Children need the reassurance that they will be cared for after the death, and that they won’t be abandoned.
- The Needs of Grieving Children
- Children’s Grief Books: Recommended Books About Grief and Loss for Children and Teens
5. Consider JournalingMany people find that keeping a journal is very healing. Keeping a journal can be cathartic on one hand, as you express even things you wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with a friend. On the other hand it can be a place to record special thoughts around the time of your loved one’s death – thoughts that you may later wish you had recorded. Some people prefer a private journal. Others may opt to share their thoughts on a site such as caring bridge where they can share not only their thoughts and feelings, but updates and requests for help from loved ones.
Instead of, or in addition to, journaling, some people find writing letters to help with the sorrow of an impending death. For example, you could write a letter to your dying loved one saying everything you want to make sure you would say. If you are dying, writing letters to your children – perhaps letters they can open at a later date – provides a place to express those tender emotions and at the same time grant those who remain behind a tremendous gift.
6. Take Advantage of Holistic Methods of CopingAdopting a holistic approach may be helpful both for the patient dying and for her loved ones. Several of these therapies have been found to help with emotions such as anxiety, and a few small studies have found that adopting a holistic approach in caring for those who are grieving has helped to bring hope and healing to a painful experience. Some of these practices include:
- Guided Imagery – Guided imagery is felt to be helpful both for the dying patient and loved ones of those dying from cancer who are experiencing anticipatory grief
- Art Therapy
- Massage Therapy
- Music Therapy
7. Nurture Your SpiritualitySpirituality is important for both those who are dying, and for their caregivers. Spirituality may take the form of organized religion and prayer, meditation, communing with nature, or even listening to music that is meaningful to you. Studies have shown that people who are dying experience a better quality of life in the last days if they have an active spiritual life, and that spiritual life has benefits for more than the person dying. A recent study found that caregivers of people with advanced cancer were less likely to experience depression if their dying loved one had an active spiritual life.
8. Maintain a Sense of HumorThere’s not a lot of room for comedy when someone is dying, and there is clearly a time for sorrow. But sometimes humor, in the right setting, can be healing. I remember feeling tremendous release at my sister-in-law’s sense of humor when my step-father passed away. My mother had forgotten his socks when she brought the rest of his burial outfit to the mortuary, and broke down in tears. My sister-in-law kindly offered the socks off her feet -- nice REI socks. My step-dad, a dear man who ironed even his T-shirts would probably not have chosen those socks, and this thought was cleansing as it turned my mother’s tears of sorrow into tears of laughter. My sister-in-law, having hit our funny-bones then started singing "my socks are going to heaven." Stopping at a grocery store on the way home I’m sure the clerk thought we’d just spent hours at the bar and not a funeral home.
Some cancer centers are now offering laughter therapy for people with advanced cancer. Yes, there are many times when laughter just won’t do it. But on occasion, even if you have to "fake it till you make it" – laughter may lighten up a heavy mood.
9. Practice ForgivenessForgiveness is healing, and learning to forgive yourself is just as important as forgiving others. The time before death is filled with emotions, and anger and resentment among family members can reign strong. But this is also a time to resolve differences. A good first step in forgiveness is listening. So often people are ultimately saying the same thing – just in different ways. Yet some times there are clear differences. A question you can ask yourself if you are irritated with another family member is, “is it more important to love or to be right?” Someone once said that resentment is a poison you prepare for another and drink yourself. To let go of resentment and hurts from the past is freeing. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness.
10. Give Your Loved One Permission to DieIt’s not uncommon for someone to hang on until some specific time – for example, waiting until they hit a date such as the graduation of a child, a birthday, or a visit from a loved one. For some people, it appears as if they finally allow themselves to take their last breath after a loved one says goodbye in some way, and in doing so, grants permission. Permission to die can go both ways. The night my grandmother died she said to me, "we’ll miss each other." Her words gave me permission to let her go, and in turn, my response indicating that I would be okay gave her permission to pass on to the next place. The gift of goodbye can be a beautiful gift.
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